Life in Iraq for a 19-year-old college student

"A Star from Mosul" is a 19-year-old engineering student. According to the BBC, her latest posting is not typical of her normally chirpy style.

Breathing slowly.. In and out..that's what I have to do to keep myself from crying, and stay alive.
I'm more depressed than I've ever been in the last year I think.
It's weird. I thought going to college would be all I need.

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Most of the lecturers this year are very educated, mostly professors with PhDs. I feel stupid. Is it possible that I have forgot so much of what I've studied before, or is it that my brain needs to be reactivated? I am so not used to keeping silent and having no answers..

Our classroom is in the 2nd floor, we have to go up 44 steps to get to it, down 44 steps to see people, we're so isolated.. We do this more than 3 times a day, my legs are killing me now.

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I'm sick of talking about the bad situation.. I just hate the mornings, there's always shooting and many explosions. I always have doubt that I'll not make it to college, the roads are rarely open.

I'm so very very depressed.. I almost cry everytime people ask me why I look so sad. I can't even see the full half of the glass I used to cling to.

My cousin drove me home the other day.. I used to go to college with dad, and my friend's father would drive us home. Now, and since my friend has failed and is still waiting for the first-graders to start college, I have a problem going home when it's not at the same time mom finishes her work.
When my cousin drives me, I feel the need to keep talking, I just hate the silence. But because of my deep depression, and to keep myself from crying, I didn't talk much this time.. I concentrated on the road, something I rarely do (I still haven't learned the way to my school, I can't get my brain to concentrate on roads at all). I couldn't believe all the wreckage on the way.. Building after building, destoyed, burnt.. Black signs announcing deaths.. Smoke from a new explosion. We had to stop few times to clear the road for the police or the Americans.
I asked my cousin about a destroyed building I haven't seen before, he said it was months ago.. I was shocked; I didn't ask about the ones that followed.

I had to look for a car to drive me to and fro college daily, I finally found one, and a classmate with a nearby house is coming with me.. Yesterday was the first day he was supposed to come and drive me to the university.
I woke up at 6:40, he was supposed to come at about 7:30 when the roads to the university aren't very crowded. I got dressed and had my breakfast and decided to go online till it's time.. There was an explosion, then shooting. I left the computer.
Dad went out and checked, the driver will have to use another road to get to our house, the street was blocked.
I went outside waiting, it was time and they weren't there.. Helicopters were hovering above the house..
I called my classmate many times but the signal was very weak. When it finally rang she picked up and told me there were Americans searching the cars and she has to hang up.. At 7:45 she called saying they can't reach the house. Dad drove me to college, we had to drive over about 4 pavements, going through wreckage and severely damaged roads.
I arrived to college at time.. my classmate about 20 minutes later, another classmate in the same neighborhood arrived 2 hours later.
I spent the rest of the day sighing, and the road back hearing all the bad stories of death and killings I could stand to hear from my classmate.

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That's not what I call home.. We're really strangers in our country.. oh well, excuse me, I don't think "our" should be used anymore.. I'm not sure whose country it is, but it's not mine for sure.